la Matriarch

Alternate title: In Search Of Diet Number 786

Well that really sucked.  I made it 30 hours on the UltraSimple Diet then ended it like I do most other diets, with a big ass meal of fattening food followed by a sick amount of sugary desert.  Why did I think this one would be different?  Because I’m a moron.  By now, I ought to know that diets that are severely restricting do not work for me.  They make me sad and physically ill, a feeling I’m unable to sustain. 

I maintain that food is love.

A brief summary of my experience with the UltraSimple Diet:

1. Woke up and 6:00 and drank 2 tablespoons of olive oil mixed with the juice of 1/2 a lemon.  I blame this step for the failure of the entire diet.  Even now, over a week has gone by but every time I think about the way the thick lemony olive oil felt going down my throat, I feel like barfing.
2. Drank hot water with the juice of another 1/2 a lemon.  This probably wouldn’t have been so bad had my stomach not been bubbling from the oil drink.
3. Drank a cup of hot green tea.  I hate hot drinks, period.
4. Mixed and drank part of a protein shake that tasted like absolute shit.  This drink was so bad I returned the Rice Protein Powder to Whole Foods the next day for a refund citing that it made me sick.
5. Sat around feeling vomity for several hours.  There is no way I can express the disgustingness that I felt after drinking all those drinks and taking all those pills (probiotics, fish oil and a whole bunch of other stuff).
6. Drank a cup of homemade vegetable broth and 1/2 cup of rice.  Even though this wasn’t very much food, it was plenty given the state of my stomach.  It actually tasted pretty good.
7. Sat around wanting to kill somebody for a few hours. 
8. Ate a piece of salmon, 1/2 a cup of brown rice and broccoli.  This was a very yummy dinner.  I made the rice using the recipe from the book which called for garlic and turmeric in the rice water.  I’ll definitely make this again.
9. Took a detox bath.  This was hugely relaxing and I loved it.  2 cups of Epsom salt, a cup of baking soda and 10 drops of essential lavender oil. 
10. Went to bed miserable. 

Day two is not even worth discussing - I ate nothing until the noon binge.

Did I mention that the second day I started having chest pain that got so bad I eventually needed to seek medical attention?  Diagnosis: esophageal spasms, hiadal hernia or reflux.  I’m not blaming UltraSimple but I’m pretty sure it aggravated which ever condition I’ve got. 

Anybody got a freak diet they want me to review next?  I’ll never stop trying!

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