la Matriarch

“Open your gown in the front, please”

“Step up to the machine, please”

“Grab hold of the bar back here, please”

“Hold still while I try to make sure all the breast tissue is on the surface, please”

“This will feel weird since you’ve never done this before”

“Hold your breath, stop breathing, do not breathe, please”

“OK mame, you can relax until the next image”

“…It takes 2 weeks to get the results.  If they call you for a biopsy or ultrasound, try not to get stressed about it.  They are just trying to make sure that whatever is there is not causing you any problems and to have something to compare to next year…”

"You’re in luck, we just started doing rectal exams on all our patients ha ha.  Try to relax…"

I have an appointment with my OB/GYN tomorrow for my annual checkup and I’m really dreading it.  The people who work at the office are always so nice and I never have to wait very long but every time I go there I’m reminded of how far back in the stone ages the exams seem to be. 

I’m nearly 41 so I’ve been having vaginal exams for over 20 years,  yet the instruments used in these visits have remained relatively unchanged all this time.  I don’t think anybody is doing much of anything the way they did 20 years ago, yet OB/GYNs still use the same old scary metal speculum to stretch apart and hold the vagina open. 

Is it just me or does this tool look more like something that would be used in an autopsy rather than my very delicate area?  At minimum, it seems like they would have found a better material to make speculums out of so that they weren’t so God damned cold. 

Going to the vagina doctor always reminds me of working for a physician group in a Chicago suburb when I first moved here in 2001.  I was standing in the lab when the physician who owned the practice came to the doorway to find the medical assistant.  “Medical assistant, please bring a speculum to room 2.  I’m going to do a vaginal exam on Ms. Patient.  Oh, and bring the smaller speculum - she’s an unmarried woman.”

I saw my Internal Medicine doctor today.  The purpose of the appointment was to get off the low dose antidepressant I’ve been taking for about a year.  I’ve tried to stop taking them by myself but it felt as close to trying to give up heroin as I’ve ever gotten and apparently to properly get off antidepressants, you need a full-on doctor’s appointment.  So get this, to get off the antidepressants I’m taking, she gave me another freakin antidepressant!  “Stop taking the other stuff and start taking the Prozac for one week.  Then after a week you can break the Prozac in half for a week.  Then after that, break the half in half for a week” she explained.  So what you’re saying is that I should be completely off antidepressants by the time in about 12 months?  Christ this is a pain in the ass.  So here the problem.  When I got the prescription, I answered “yes” when the chick asked me if generic was OK and as it turns out, the generic Prozac is a capsule.  So, they’ll be no breaking of the pills.

She also gave me prenatal vitamins which freaked me out on a whole other level.  Agreeing to take the prenatal vitamins feels like a commitment to have a baby to me.  I know its just a freaking vitamin, but still…

Here’s the other crap she told me to do:

Lose weight.  Start a diet and exercise plan immediately.

Call the Endocrinologist to find out (a.) are there any pregnancy related complications or birth defects resulting from the Radioactive Iodine therapy I had for thyroid cancer in 2003 (b.) are there any pregnancy related complications or birth defects resulting from the Thyrogen injections I’ve had for the past 2 years to screen for thyroid cancer (c.) how will the suppressive dose of Synthroid I’m taking effect the pregnancy.

Get the mammogram I’ve been putting off for 3 years and hurry up because they are booked way out and I’m running out of time.

Do not take any longer than 2 months to get these things done because I need to hurry up and start trying, you know, at my age.