la Matriarch

Before today, I hadn’t stepped foot in a church since September 11, 2001 (excluding 2 services I attended in order to write a paper for a World Religion class).  And before that, it had been years. 

I was raised Southern Baptist.  I grew up attending the church in Memphis, Tennessee that my maternal grandparents were prominent members of.  My mother never went but every Sunday she’d make us get up, get dressed and she’d send us off on the church bus that came to our house to pick us up.  It was on that bus that I recited all the books of the bible and won myself a tacky all-white Holy Bible with my name inscribed on it.  Even though I sorta think my mother was utilizing church as a babysitter, I’m glad she made us go because it gave me a foundation in spirituality which has helped me through some ruff times. 

At some point in my life, probably about 15 years ago, I decided that most organized religion was bullshit.  I’d show up at church hoping to learn something great and end up being surrounded by an exclusively white snobby congregation that seemed to hate on all non-christian religions.  They say that noon on Sunday is the most segregated time in this country.  All the different races, packed in their homogeneous churches thinking they are the only ones that know the “way”.  One day it hit me that segregation and passing judgement didn’t seem all that Godly, so I stopped going.  I didn’t become an atheist or stop praying or anything radical like that, I just did my own thing, at home.  I bought books that joined all religions rather than focusing on what makes them different and ones that taught metaphysics and for the most part, this private worship has worked for me.  But there have been times when I’ve really longed for a place I could go and worship with like-minded people. 

Yesterday the boyfriend emailed me an article that was published in our neighborhood newspaper about a new church in town called the Center for Spiritual Living.  The reason he sent it to me is because the article said that this “religion” uses teachings from all the major religions.  I’ve always told him I wished I could find a church that takes the best parts of all the religions.  I have never understood how so many beautiful religions could disagree and damn each other so much.  I seems like it’d be so much easier to focus on the similarities rather than the differences. 

The Center of Spiritual Living is currently renting space from a Church of Christ church that is less than 2 blocks from my house.  The service is at 4:00 on Sundays, an odd time but a very suitable one for me.  There were 7 people in attendance including myself and the 2 ministers.  The minister read text from the Bible, the Dao De Ching and the Quran which I thought was freakin awesome.  It was an odd crowd and I couldn’t help but be on the lookout for chicken sacrificing or deadly juice drinking.  Always the skeptic…

All weekend I’d been totally consumed with something bad that happened at work on Friday, but I feel better now.  And maybe I’m selfish, but that’s about all I need in a church.  I’ll be back.

Over the last few days I’ve come to realize how it is that entire nations can be destroyed in the name of religion.  We can’t even come to an agreement about how one little imaginary baby outta be raised and we really really love each other. 

The discussions are very necessary but extremely painful for me.  I blame my parents for not teaching me how to talk openly about things.  Then again, I blame them for just about anything I can get away with.

His view: the imaginary baby should be raised in a strict Muslim household where mom and dad pray 5 times per day about and do not participate in any non-muslim type celebrations.  The girl child shall wear a scarf…

My view: the imaginary baby will know everything about every religion but will attend Muslim schools etc.  On Christmas we will invite imaginary babies father’s family over for light snacks and gift exchange like every other Christmas since we’ve been together. 

I found a lot of great information online about people who have been in our exact situation and the consensus was that it’s OK to celebrate Christmas with friends and family and to exchange gifts because it’s about supporting them.  I wish I could find some real life people who have been through this to talk to.

Does raising a child in a household where mom and dad have different religious beliefs cause so much confusion for the child that you just shouldn’t do it?

Now that we’ve been discussing the idea of having a baby, our religious differences are at the top of the why-not-to-do-it list. 

I was raised Southern Baptist and so was he.  I’ve since decided that I don’t care too much for organized religion (I pray at home) and he converted to Islam almost 15 years ago.  Religion is not something we’ve ever fought about and I think we both try to be very accommodating to each other.  Matter of fact, I’m not even sure that we don’t believe the same things when it comes to religion.  Where we differ has more to do with religioustradition and practice.  Islam has some pretty strict rules but so does Christianity for that matter.  He believes that a child should be raised in a strictly religious household in order for them to “get it” and I believe that that can cause it’s own problems.  In general, he is much more conservative than I. 

Neither of us are big on going to Church or Mosque but in recent years he has begun attending Friday Juma prayer.  The last time I was in church was to write a paper for my World Religions class.  It was a Unitarian Church.

Christmas is sometimes a hot topic.  We never have a Christmas tree but we do exchange gifts with his family which makes him uncomfortable.  For me, Christmas is more about family time and, well, presents.  I like to buy gifts for my family and that’s the time to do it in this country.  He indulges me because he sees that I need it.  (I also had a near mental breakdown my first Christmas in Chicago when I found myself isolated on a holiday that I’d always spent surrounded with people)

The bottom line is that he is concerned that our perceived differences in religious beliefs would cause a child to be confused.  Daddy prays 5 times per day but mommy doesn’t - I think I’ll pick mommies way because it’s easier.  Here’s how I think it would work…

1. Teach a child about God and prayer and being good to people.
2. I would want my child to know everything about every religion so that they are well-rounded. 
3. Exposing a child to Christmas celebrations would help them understand and navigate in a country where this holiday is such a big deal.
4. Parents must present a united front to a child, but this doesn’t necessarily mean we both need to be Muslim.  It means that we support each other’s beliefs (I don’t feed the kids hot-dogs behind his back etc…)
5. Participating in gift exchanges at Christmas time shows our support for our families religious traditions, too. 

If you have raised a child in a family where the mother and father have different religious beliefs, I’d love to hear your story.  Did it work?  Was the child confused?